Excuses, Excuses

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What does it take to knock you off track when you’re trying to reach a goal? Migraines do it to me sometimes. Although, while I’m sitting here pain-free, I wonder if I could try pushing through the pain to write anyway. I’ll take my medication of course, but can I keep going while I wait for it to work? I’m no glutton for punishment, but I have noticed simply setting an ambitious goal with a hard deadline seems to be followed by a migraine. Is it my fear trying to make me run away from a scary task? If I show my body that I’m not going to run away, would I have fewer migraines?

Other times, it takes much less to derail me. An annoyance with misbehaving technology or a late meal is enough to put me in a bad mood. And apparently, a bad mood is an excuse not to write. At least, in that moment it seems that way. If I look back some day and realize I didn’t achieve my goals because I couldn’t eat lunch on time and got irritated, how will I feel then?

Toad Tally

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I was concerned about whether the toads in our yard survived February’s freezing weather. Last year, I would often see one peering out from the mouth of its tunnel under the back porch. I was actually checking for ants when I lifted the splash block by the porch and was startled to see two small toads huddled there. Ranjan found one roaming in the yard later. I tried to get a photo yesterday, but (surprise again!) when I lifted the splash block, there was a small snake instead. Now I have to keep looking for the toads to see if they outran the snake.

Perfectionism Versus Flow

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The past few weeks, I have been telling myself that it is fine to write a short blog post. I’ve been thrilled that I’ve actually been writing more than the 100 or so words I was aiming for, but I’ve also been worried. At least one of them did not simply flow from my fingers, but I felt like I needed to push myself to write more to make my point. That makes every future post seem like a bigger task and more work. I’m trying to teach myself to enjoy writing, not dread it, and to be happy with what I write.

The problem is, I am a perfectionist. I always have an idea in my head of how something should be. Notice I said “idea” rather than “picture.” It is rarely a complete or detailed image, which is part of the pain of perfectionism: we don’t really, truly know when we have achieved what we set out to do. The thing in our head doesn’t exist until we create it, so how could it be perfectly copied? And even if we had a clear image, whose picture would be the right one? Mine or that of the person reading my novels and viewing my drawings? Since we can’t see what is in someone else’s head, we start guessing what another person might be expecting to see.

By the time you start guessing and overthinking about the expectations of other people (who in all honesty probably have less of an idea of what your work should be than you do) then you are well and truly lost. Wandering down a path of “Is this okay?” is a hell I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

Once again, I wrote more than I planned, but this was an easy one because it’s close to my heart ‑ rather than my head.

The Bucket List

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I used to have a written “Bucket List” – a list of things I want to do before I die. It is probably still in a notebook or in a stack of papers, between an advertisement for cheap internet and a paid bill that needs to be filed somewhere. I do know some of the items off the top of my head: milk a cow, direct a music video, and fly in a helicopter. Thanks to the “Why Not?” attitude of my friend Anna, we got a free, five-minute ride in a helicopter yesterday. We had to be videoed saying how much we were enjoying the Holi festival we were at, and how much we liked the sponsor who was offering the free rides. I was ready to back out when I heard we had to do a video, but Anna said it wasn’t a big deal, so we did it. As a result, I checked another thing off my bucket list.

During the flight, I took a few photos and a short video, but then I purposely put the phone down. I wanted to be present and really live it, not just review it later through the camera lens. The sensation I was most aware of was a sort of looseness in my lower legs – like when you’re on a carnival ride and your feet are dangling down, even though my feet were planted on the floor of the helicopter. It was like I was aware of that space under us as we flew.

I’m proud of the fact that there aren’t many things on my bucket list. I guess for some people that would mean they are content already. For me it means I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone many times to see places or have experiences that I longed for.

One more item will be checked off this summer: “Publish a Novel.” I’m going to self-publish first on Amazon and then with other publishers. I will update you here as we get closer to the release date. Once that is done, I guess I’ll have to start looking for someone who owns a cow!

Amani (left) and Anna with the helicopter.